I wrote this is a really long time ago and decieded to post it....

Some day ill find someone who truly is going to be with me and only me.. Next dude I'm come across I will not trust... Called me his one and only and that ended up being a lie... For 7 months he has lied to me, for what? Why couldn't he be real? Don't ask something of someone else if you can't do the same. He abused my trust... Don't worry about her is what he said to me... And all along I really should of been. You can't trust how people are they just are that way for reasons you can't explain. Maybe one day things will be different, ill find that one guy to prove me wrong. Said he was different... That was a lie he's a player just like everyone said. Its suppose to make it ok that he fucked a girl cause she is a ho, but what does that make me? I don't think he ever had any intentions of ever being with me. He doesn't answer questions like that cause I guess there is no point cause I'm done with him. But am I really? I don't even know what I want.. I would be stupid as ever to give him another chance, people would be so mad at me and I won't tell them anything about it. I'm not tripping. When will it end? Will it end with him? Should I just say goodbye to it all.. To everything I trusted and let get close to me. I trust him even though he still lied to me, I shouldn't be so forgiving. I really should move on, its time. Sometimes you got to let go of something you have worked on so hard to keep. Guess he wasn't worth it in the end he didn't treat me right I deserve better, even though I know that I still want him. Maybe its what I can't have I can't resist. There are so many fish in the sea. I wonder how much of what I was told was true.

so i have had a lot of problems with friends lately and its starting to look like maybe it has something to do with me. i expect to much from people? i thought it was reasonable to think that your best friends would tell you when they got her or in what they were donig when your in the same town. i mean i might be wrong and others might think differently on this but i would feel hurt if i was the who was left out of it, when i dont even a mile away. im just so sick of being the one who is always wrong, who always gets the shaft! im just so done trying and giving so much of myself to people just to get nothing in return but the shit. i deserve better than to be treated as second best. some things will never change and even if you say something, it doesnt mean anything cause you could just be saying it just to say it. i want action not just words! its like people will say things just to make the situation better but they never mean it or they dont change. its a vicous circle and i want out of it. then the argument always comes up but we have been friends for some years how can you do that. well im not getting anything out of it that is good for me, causes me pain and stress. those are not the people you should be stressing about they should be the people you turn to when you are stressed, the shoulder you cry on, your secret keeper, your second half, your partners in crime. i just dont understand anymore, i just feel as if i cant do anything right and everything i try to do or change, just seems to back fire or give second chances and even more chances on top of that. i get the same result. NOTHING! i guess i should try and just not care.

so as of right now i am so irritated that its ridiclous. i hate it! this feeling has been overwhelming me time and time again. i just want it to go away! i seriously just wanna scream right now but looking at the time and my roommates are sleeping probably wouldnt be the best idea right now.

stick it out or run away? which do i choose? i am so confused, where can i find my center. im working on doing me but im so worried about him. it is trust or it is fear that i am letting control me? i think its both. sometimes i wish there was an easy way out, an easy way to decide what i truely want. i think i want to be able to have stablitity and loyality in someone. thats actually is what i want, but i dont know if i have that or not. a relationship stands for trust, honesty, loyality, respect, someone to lean on, dependable, to share your life with. i dont have that, but i want that. even if there wasnt a title i would just want to know that is what i have. how do you trust a guy when almost every guy is running around playing games, but your hoping that the one you care for isnt doin that to you. i am feeling very insecure at the moment and im not sure how to change that or will it ever change with this certain person. as for now im just gonna try and write my paper and do what is my number one priority, and thats ME!

so what do you do when forced to become numb to a situation? when does all the drama end? how do you end drama? does moving away work? there are so many questions that i have, that are unanswered. some girls just cant leave it alone, they claim to hate it but they just keep bringing it on themselves.

so in recent months i have been decieved by someone i trusted so much... his reasonings for why he did it, really dont make sense either. but i am a very forgiving person and would give a second chance... but from what it sounds like he doesnt want to be loyal. sometimes i believe that honesty is the best policy but i cant be dragged thur what i have been in the past months. its either all the way or no way at all. i need my space and time to myself to move on. sometimes its not what your heart wants but in the end thats what is best for you. sometimes things dont seem right at first but in the end it was. i have learned to love and lose so many times that i should be able to let go. but its different for some reason and i wish it wasnt. i guess i just need to stop giving in.. stop answering my phone, stop texting back.. tell him to just stop cause i cant do it and move on with him still all up in my space. even when you say you have to stick to it and thats the hard part. you can say it as much as you want but you truely have to wait it with your heart cause if your not 100% in it then its never gonna happen.. i thought i was but truely i was not ready. i am going to have force myself into it though i have a feeling. oh well life goes on, it never stops even if you try to make it. everything is always moving! guess thats just the way it is.... it is what it is dont act suprised...

so im back to the normal... nothing going right. i mean nothing in life can go completely right but its like once i get everything straightened out, things go wrong. i just dont know what i am suppose to do anymore... you say your ready for a relationship i think not. i want more than anything to just be happy but is that consist of you being in it? i want you to be in it but do you want to be apart of it. i cant tell what you want cause well im not you but i know how everything feels. i feel so unwanted and all i want to do is feel wanted. i want someone who wants to hug me and hold me tight when im feeling down. who wants to be there thur ups and downs. i have started to live by this quote if you cant handle me at my worst you dont deserve me at my best. have you ever just wanted to believe so much in someone but they just arent helping you do that. im just done i guess, i just dont know what to do anymore. wish things were just clear and set right out there for you sometimes. thats life for ya though