I thought I had everything figured out, but really I don’t think I know anything anymore. I can’t seem to do anything right anymore. I don’t even trust myself, I feel that I am falling apart, but if you meet me I can put on a good show. Make you believe that I am put together and know what I am doing, but I don’t think that I really do. I used to do everything for myself that is why I would do something, not because someone else wanted me to but because I wanted to do it. Now I do stuff that I usually wouldn’t do. I feel so lost and confused, I thought I found myself once and I wouldn’t have to do it again but I was wrong. I am going off to college in like 2 and half months and I don’t know who I am anymore. There is something wrong with that. I wish that I could figure everything out or at least who I really am. I feel like shit and not knowing what to do. I always say live in the moment, go with the flow or don’t care what people say or what you look like. I even say you don’t need a guy to make you happy, but I shouldn’t say that anymore because I cant even live by it right now. I run away from everything that makes me happy or I am scared away. How do I conquer such a fear, how do I open up again? Should I open again? In this is in just a general sense, like when I meet new people or just hanging out with someone I don’t usually. Why does my heart hurt, why can’t I believe in myself to make it. I used to be so independent, I used to be the one my friends would turn to when they needed someone to cry on or lean. But how do I hold them up when I can’t keep myself standing. Every time I use to fall I could get right back up and keep going, but now I get pushed down and I have to climb and fight my way back. I used to be able to take a hit mentally and it wouldn’t even bother me. Now every little thing hurts, I don’t understand why I have become so sensitive. Has my outer toughness just been eaten away by the cruelness of the world? I have to build a new one and shut everyone out? If I did that it wouldn’t be so hard to leave for college so soon and when Dorothy leaves I won’t be so heartbroken, but that is a lie because I will miss my twin so very much and I’ll have to wait another year to see her.
I wish I could just find the right path to walk or even run. I try to stand up and be strong but I am not stable enough not to fall, sorry. Something’s just hurt you so bad that you limit yourself and go into hiding. You hide yourself, your real feelings in fear of being hurt again. You become a smart ass to cover yourself, you get sassy and unforgiving. Or at least that is how I become. I become guarded and very self aware of everything and very self-conscious.
How come some things are so hard to understand for people why must they push you to become so unsure of yourself? Why cant I stand up for myself, why cant I make people understand?
I don’t think that you should waste your time with me. I think am a waste of time. I am not worth whatever you are looking for. I am not the answer to anything and I don’t have the answer to anything. I have to many issues for you, that you don’t understand and cant understand. I am closed off and guarded and not sure what to do anymore. The girl you meet not to long ago is now gone, she just left and I am not sure where she went. The smile has faded and gone. All there is now is tears and a little hope I will be able to regain myself soon. I have lost whatever I did have, now all I am is easy on the eyes with an empty shell, the opposite of what you once called me. I am not so wonderful, I cant treat you the way you deserve, if anything I don’t deserve you.
Well I believe that is all for now and I don’t really have much more to say.
Marisa